I was totally going to blog about two wonderful recipes I tried this week and how I love it when new recipes are so fabulous that they become family staples. But instead I'll tell you what happened this evening.

My four year old is definitely going through a tough phase. I don't blame her. We've trekked across the country and back over the last nine months. We took her from her beloved friends and comforts, then just as she was making new friends and settling in, we took her from them too. So I can sympathize. The whole thing has been traumatic for me too. I've had days when the walls felt like they were closing in. I've had moments where I can't breathe, my heart is palpitating, I feel dizzy...a panic attack. So, for sure, I know it's been tough.

The last few weeks have been a series of ups and downs with Makayla. She loves having all these kids in the neighborhood to play with. She's happy to see old friends. And she's very excited to start school. But there are days when she's pushing her limits. She says nasty things, makes mean faces, clenches her fists in anger. Today was one of those days.

She pushed buttons all day with Fred. When I got home, I could tell almost instantly that her mood was sour. I offered to take the kids outside for some fresh air and bike riding in the driveway. Hoping that some pent up energy may be worked off. I emphasized this would only be in the driveway. But Makayla immediately went in the street. I offered an option, stay in the driveway or go in the house. She decided she would push the limit instead of cooperate. She knew I was distracted with Mason and that I probably wouldn't notice. But when I did, it hit the fan. I repeated the offer...stay in the driveway or go inside. She went in the street again. So we went inside. Of course this invoked whining, crying and general unhappiness. So I offered to play in the backyard while dinner was cooking. She whined the whole time. Then asked to play with friends. I explained that her behavior did not earn her the rewards of playing with friends. She continued to ask. I continued to say no.

I took Mason up for his bath hoping she would just play outside and let it go. Instead she followed me upstairs for more. Because I repeated saying no. She eventually got so mad that she took a swing at me. To which, I quickly enforced that she would be staying in her room for the remainder of the evening. She screamed, yelled, cried until she couldn't even breathe. This isn't 'oh feel sorry for me' crying. This was mad as hell, crying. She went on and on for at least 15 minutes as I was trying to get Mason ready for bed. I finally took Mason to his room to read books as she continued her tantrum.

After putting Mason to bed, I attempted to talk to her but she was so engulfed in her fit of rage that she couldn't even speak. I remember thinking, this is not Makayla. Something had taken her over. She was so angry. Hurtful angry. Clinching her teeth, screaming, hitting. I had stayed as calm as I could but it was getting to me. I got her pajamas, asked her to put them on and sat on the bed. And this is what I heard:

"MOM...YOU ARE RUINING MY LIFE"

Oh yes...through clenched teeth, full of raging anger, she repeated it.

"YOU ARE RUINING MY LIFE"

For a second I almost cried. I could feel the tears welling up. For any Mom reading this, you probably have felt that same sinking feeling I felt in that moment. OMG, my kid hates me, I'm a terrible mother, please don't let my kids hate me.

Then I stopped myself and tried to put it all in perspective. She obviously doesn't know what the words mean. She knows it's not nice to say but she doesn't know the meaning. She's just 4. And she's been through a lot lately. She doesn't know how to handle it all. I know that.

So I composed myself, and held out my hands. She quickly recognized that the fight was over and surrendered her little four year old hands into mine. As she tried to stop crying I quietly explained that I understand. As best I could, I tried to help her put her feelings into words and discuss better ways to deal with anger. I talked about the angry monster and how we can get rid of him by hitting a pillow, or screaming into the bed. And when we were done talking, I offered a comforting hug and she offered a sweet 'I'm sorry'.

Parenting is so much harder than I thought.